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Women, Romance, Fantasy & Reality Blog

Women, Romance, Fantasy and Reality Blog on next Year in Jerusalem

On www.askimotv.com I am interviewed on the ways we use our fantasies. I've talked about the importance of a fantasy life for most women in the free webinar I offer you on this site. Often fantasy is very relaxing and enriching. But at times it can be a problem. For example, focusing on the past and exaggerating old memories, whether making them much better or much worse than the events actually were, may not be healthy. The easiest example I can think of is so enjoying old memories about a boyfriend you had years ago, that you don't focus in the present on enjoying your husband or significant other now. Believe, this does happen. Absence really can make the heart grown fonder!

On the other hand, many people begin to exaggerate a negative memory and build stories around that memory. For instance, Ruth remembered how her brother-in-law forgot to send an anniversary card or even call on Jim and Ruth's 25th wedding anniversary. She was hurt. That was two years ago, but as she has mulled over about his forgetfulness it has turned in her mind to indifference and a total lack of respect for them as a couple. She finds herself getting more and more angry at him and also more hurt. This type of fantasy distortion is not useful in any way.

So it is very important to understand how we use fantasy and to make sure we use our daydreaming and ruminating for good mental health purposes! Please watch my video now on fantasy to learn more!

The women returned to the table and the men suggested they browse in the nearby art galleries. As they walked in and out of several galleries, Raji eagerly asked Maggie if she’d like to see a gallery specializing in artists from India. Jack, determined to check out a gallery that specialized in jewelry made from silver, gold, Roman glass, and other precious stones, requested that the couples split up and meet thirty minutes later.

Amazed at the quality of the jewelry Jack showed her, Natalie noted how tasteful and beautifully presented the artistic treatment of ancient glass, precious stones, gold, and silver was. She fell in love with a dainty sterling silver bracelet with intriguing tiny pieces of ancient glass embedded in a silver rectangle in the center. It was simple but exquisite.

Before she could stop him, Jack pulled out his wallet and paid for the bracelet.

“I can’t accept this,” she protested. “Take it home to your wife. It’s beautiful, she’ll love it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. This is for you. Give me your hand. I want to put it on you.”

People were looking. Natalie held up her hand; she’d worry about it later. A public display was not in order.

“Ah, it looks beautiful on you.”

Jack took her hand. Again, to avoid embarrassment, she didn’t pull away as they left the shop.

Before Natalie knew what was happening, Jack gently but firmly led her down the small alleyway next to the shop.

“Natalie, I must talk to you.” His voice was urgent. “Don’t you understand? Don’t you feel what I feel?”

He pulled her toward him, grasped her face in his hands and gently kissed her. Ever so lightly on the lips. Just a touch.

The very lightness set her on fire. It was as if there’d been an explosion on Ben Yehuda Street. Had he started by pushing his way into her mouth, she would have fought back and been put off. But the gentleness of this first kiss made her urges come alive like an active volcano ready to erupt.

The next kiss was firmer and a little longer. Again he retreated. Just enough for the volcano to erupt a little more.

The third kiss had pressure and staying power. And she yielded. Her mouth opened and she gave permission to the only tongue that ever touched the inside of her mouth aside from David’s in the past twenty-five years. She didn’t resist as Jack’s arm caressed her back and moved even lower.

Time came to a halt. The past had moved forward and all her cells were determined to stay in this present moment. She was very, very hungry. Much more hungry than she’d ever realized a woman could be.

Finally Jack spoke. “I’ve never forgotten you,” he whispered.

Natalie pushed herself away, but not completely. That would be too painful. She leaned against his body, and the memory of it, combined with being in his arms, was so delicious she couldn’t let go just yet.

“Jack, you seem to forget that I’m married and so are you.”

“Sometimes things are just meant to be. Anyway, my marriage isn’t good.”

Natalie slowly came back to earth. How many millions of times had women heard a line like that? How many women became the mistress of a man in a “bad” marriage?

“Well, my marriage is good. We have to stop.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. This is crazy.” Jack pulled back, tucked in his shirt and brushed back the hair that had fallen onto his face.

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Natalie, the central character in Next Year in Jerusalem! has been struggling with romantic and exaggerated memories about a lover from her past. Compared to her husband David, who she sees everyday, and who isn't always on his toes romantically (being a slightly remote college professor) Jack looks fabulous in her mind's eye. Even Jack's negative personality traits have faded. Memories of his love-making skills haven't. This Valentine's Day may be a day of nostalgic daydreaming of long lost lovemaking instead of throwing herself into her basically sound and loving marriage.

Natalie's situation is very common. Many women have fantasy romances in their mind, forgetting that the guys we link back up with on Facebook have aged just as much or more than we have over the last 20 or 30 years! And I don't just mean wrinkles. Life happens. An old beau may have married, divorced, lost a job, had children, moved, etc. We don't know the facts let along his emotional hardships.

Fantasy is a normal healthy part of staying alive, but we need to utilize it to our advantage, not disadvantage. Here is my suggestion:

The present is our present to ourselves. Treat it as such and try to stay in the present. If you are in a decent relationship, the time make it even better is now. What do you need to do to make it better: more time together? better communication skills? honoring each other's interests? handling the kids more effectively? decluttering? more time for sex? better sex? perhaps seeing a marriage counselor?

Of course, I could go on and on. Only you know where to start. Find an area to work on in your relationship and soon you will see more clearly the past for what it is and the present for all the Valentine wonders of the heart are here right with you, right now! Happy Valentine's Day!

 

 

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